The Gospels of Golf

Editor’s Note: We’ve all seen many of these truisms, but this one comes with references! Even though it’s snowing in most of the country, a good laugh – especially when related to golf – warms the soul.

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. (Grantland Rice)

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. (John Updike)

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. (Robert Lynd)

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. (Horace G. Hutchinson)

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. (Gardner Dickinson)

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. (Sam Snead)

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. (William Wordsworth)

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. (Dean Martin)

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. (Tommy Bolt)

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. (Sean Cashman)

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. (Author Unknown)

12. My handicap: woods and irons. (Chris Codiroli)

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. (Pete Dye)

14. I'm hitting the woods just great . . . but having a terrible time getting out of them! (Author Unknown)

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. (Billy Graham)

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. (Mark Twain)

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. (Harry Vardon)

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. (Jimmy Demaret)

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures . . . and not in still waters. (Author Unknown)

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. (Author Unknown)

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can never improve your lie. (George Deukmejian)

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. (Author Unknown)

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